The Wizard

  Contents

  TITLE PAGE

  CHAPTER 1: Magic for Nothin’

  CHAPTER 2: A Magical Beginning

  CHAPTER 3: Strange Powers

  CHAPTER 4: Newfangled Thinking

  CHAPTER 5: Trouble in Outer Space

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  ‘Hey, Jake,’ Finn, a teenaged boy, called out to his friend Jake, a dog, as they walked through the Land of Ooo. ‘You ever wonder what a demon’s heart looks like?’

  ‘Of course, dude,’ Jake answered.

  ‘You ever wonder what a demon’s heart tastes like?’ Finn asked. Before Jake could answer, a skeleton in a black cloak blocked their path.

  ‘Hey, kid,’ the creepy thing cooed. ‘You want some magic powers? Magic powers for absolutely free?’

  Finn replied without a thought.

  ‘Wait!’ Jake cautioned his friend. ‘Let’s not be too rash. Just look at this guy. Check out the sunken, lifeless eyes, the foul stench of decay.You know what that means?’

  ‘It means he’s evil, I guess,’ Finn shrugged.

  ‘Well, evil, sure,’ Jake agreed. ‘But mostly, he’s unattractive. And unattractive people are desperate.You should haggle with him.’ Finn nodded. His friend was on to something here.

  ‘Hey!’ Finn yelled out to the creepy creature. ‘I want more than just free powers. What else you got?’

  ‘Oh, all right,’ the Grim Reaper sighed. ‘Free powers and…’

  The Reaper broke off one skeletal hand and quickly made a novelty item out of it.

  ‘…and this keychain,’ the Reaper continued, rolling his eyes.

  Finn yelled back, jumping up and down. This was awesome! He’d haggled and, for his trouble, been rewarded with a free keychain!

  ‘Play it cool, Finn,’ Jake cautioned.

  ‘Right,’ Finn answered, toning down his excitement before turning back to the Reaper. ‘I begrudgingly accept your offer.’

  ‘Yes!’ the Reaper replied gleefully, laughing as a bolt of lightning shot down from the sky. ‘Then the deal is struck!’

  Suddenly, an egg-shaped pod made of monster eyes and teeth appeared in front of them. It was surrounded by flames and smoke. A short staircase led to its entrance.

  ‘You can pick up your powers right through that door,’ the Reaper said casually. Then the strange creature – missing one bony hand – click-clacked away.

  Finn and Jake looked at each other with you-go-first expressions before going through the door together.

  The two friends suddenly found themselves in front of a misshapen castle.

  ‘This place looks magical,’ Finn said to Jake. ‘You think this is where we get the powers?’

  ‘Yes, I do,’ a frog-like creature answered as he stepped out to greet them. The frog was dressed in a purple robe with a gold star on his chest. On his head, he wore two pointy purple hats. ‘Free powers for all. Want some?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Finn answered. ‘Are you the guy handing them out?’

  ‘You seek Bufo, the Wizard,’ the frog answered.

  ‘So, where is that guy?’ Finn asked.

  ‘He is here,’ the frog cooed. ‘Of course.’

  ‘He’s here?’ Jake asked. ‘But he’s not you?’

  ‘That’s right,’ the frog answered, adding more mystery to their adventure. Jake wasn’t in the mood for mystery.

  ‘We should beat him until he starts making sense,’ Jake suggested angrily while holding his fist in the air. The frog gulped nervously and puffed out his throat. Inside his gullet, several tiny fish-like creatures appeared.

  ‘We are Bufo,’ the little fishes said all at once, their voices vibrating to create an echo around their words. ‘So, you wish to be inducted into the ancient order of…’

  Suddenly their words collided with one another in a jumbled mess. Realising that they were out of sync with each other, the small squiggly animals stopped talking.

  ‘Dang it, Leonard!’ one fish barked at another who had caused the trouble. ‘If we don’t talk at the same time, nobody can understand us!’

  ‘Sorry,’ the embarrassed Leonard apologised quickly.

  ‘Ahem,’ the fish cleared their voices before addressing Finn and Jake again. ‘So you want free wizard powers? Powers like these?’ Fire suddenly shot out of one of the wizard’s hands, and green smoke came out of the other.

  Finn and Jake yelled together when they saw the pyrotechnics. ‘We want ’em! Give us the stuff! Oh, boy! Can’t wait!’

  ‘Then follow,’ Bufo commanded softly as the frog walked backwards into the castle and motioned with his hands for Finn and Jake to follow.

  Finn yelled.

  Jake echoed dutifully but without being able to muster Finn’s level of enthusiasm.

  ‘Behold the Grand Hall of Wizardry,’ Bufo said as they entered a large room that contained a dozen wizards practising their craft. ‘This is where young potentials train to become UltimateWizards, but most are not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.’

  ‘I’m responsible, dude,’ Finn yelled out.

  ‘So am I,’ Jake insisted.

  ‘That’s a lie,’ Finn added honestly in the interest of full disclosure.

  ‘It is a lie,’ Jake agreed immediately,‘and I take full responsibility for it.’

  ‘Yes, yes, very responsible,’ Bufo complimented Jake. ‘Now I bestow upon you these wizard cloaks.’The frog held up his hands and two purple robes appeared before their eyes.

  Jake and Finn yelled out as they watched the regal garments floating in front of them. Suddenly, the cloaks dropped down and covered them.

  ‘Hey!’ Finn complained as the robes puddled on the floor, covering their feet and hands. ‘This is a dress!’

  ‘Yeah, and I am into it!’ Jake exclaimed, caressing the soft purple fabric. ‘It’s like gossamer.’

  Finn began to tuck the thick folds of cloth into his pants.

  ‘This way I won’t be embarrassed,’ he explained, unaware that his pants were now puffed out like pantaloons.

  ‘Fine, fine,’ Bufo said, anxious to move past the issue of the robes. ‘Now, for every power that you accrue, you shall receive a star badge like these.’ Bufo began to touch his own robe and stars suddenly appeared on the fabric. ‘This final star betokens the rank of Ultimate Wizard,’ he said proudly.

  It was a huge, particularly shiny star. Finn’s eyes lit up when he saw it.

  Finn said, shaking with excitement. ‘Mark me, Jake, I shall have that final star! Where do we start?’

  Bufo was pleased with the young trainees. They had that rare quality required of all new wizards: they were willing to do whatever they were told. He would start them at the beginning.

  ‘You shall begin at level one, dustomancy,’ Bufo told them.

  Finn agreed, jumping up and down, anxious to begin earning his stars. ‘Whatever that is.

  ‘To receive that power,’ Bufo told them, ‘you must first eat these brooms.’ Two wooden brooms appeared before them.

  ‘All right!’ Finn agreed, enthusiastically taking a bite. ‘Hey, wait!This is gross! Man, I can’t eat this!’

  ‘Yeah, you can,’ Jake told his friend. ‘Do what I do.’

  Jake expanded his body so that he was ten times the size of Finn.The broom now appeared tiny in his large paw. Jake popped the sweeper into his mouth and swallowed.

  Then he returned to his usual size. The broom, however, remained large. It poked him, jutting out of his front and his back.

  Jake laughed, looking down at the strange shape of his body. Jake expanded his body once again so that he was just a little bit bigger than Finn – making plenty of room for the broom. ‘Ah, there we go.’

  Finn yelled as a star appeared in the air in front of them and landed on Jake�
�s robe. ‘You got a star!’

  ‘Observe my magic,’ Jake chuckled, looking at his golden star. Now he was ready to use it.

  ‘Wait, Jake!’ Finn pleaded. ‘Don’t use your magic until I finish my broom.’

  Finn went to work. He couldn’t grow like Jake, so eating the broom was a long, somewhat painful, endeavour.

  Finn swallowed with difficulty. ‘Last bite.’ B the time he was done his belly was aching.

  Jake had been looking on, waiting patiently for his friend. Just then, a star appeared for Finn and landed on his robe.

  ‘Dude!’ Jake yelled out with excitement. ‘You got your star, too!’

  ‘We’re dustomancers!’ Finn screamed, jumping up and down.

  Finn held out his hands and tried to use his new magic.Then he tried again.

  Finn complained. ‘This is a total rip-off. Bufo, you tricked us! Stupid power doesn’t even work.’

  ‘Calm yourself, boy,’ Bufo ordered, as he punched the screaming Finn in the face. ‘You are acting hysterical. Do you not see that you are using dustomancy? Behold.’ Before them was a flying dust mote.

  ‘I’m doing this?’ Finn asked, amazed, as he watched the ball of dust fly in front of him. ‘So I have…?’

  ‘Yes. Mastery over all dust motes. You can also read their emotions,’ Bufo explained as he pointed to one of the dust puffs that had gathered around them. ‘For instance, this mote is very unhappy in his marriage.’

  ‘That’s sort of cool,’ Jake said hesitantly.

  ‘Sort of cool?’ Finn scornfully said. ‘This is radical!’

  Jake shouted. ‘Force that enthusiasm!’

  ‘Are you ready for more magic?’ Bufo asked.

  Jake answered with amazement.

  ‘So much more,’ Bufo told them. ‘Like level two, the power of shadowcery.’

  Immediately, blindfolds appeared on Finn and Jake. ‘You can’t see through those, right?’ asked Bufo.

  ‘Nope, not at all,’ Finn promised.

  ‘To gain provenance over the shadows, place your hands into this bowl,’ Bufo commanded.

  ‘What bowl?’ Jake asked, lifting his blindfold and seeing a small bowl of green balls in Bufo’s hands.

  Bufo yelled in a panic. ‘Cover your eyes!’

  Jake agreed, pulling the blindfold back over his eyes.

  ‘Thrust your hands into this bowl of eyeballs,’ Bufo ordered again.

  Finn protested.

  ‘Dude, it’s okay,’ Jake assured his friend, having seen the contents of the bowl. ‘They’re just peeled grapes.’

  Bufo screeched. Finn and Jake thrust their hands into the bowl, pretending to be horrified.

  ‘Well done,’ Bufo congratulated them. ‘You have groped the eyeballs fearlessly.’

  Finn yelled as two stars appeared in front of them and landed on their chests. ‘Yeah! Shadowcery!’ Suddenly, a black stallion appeared in front of Finn.

  ‘Onward, my shadow steed!’ Finn commanded, but when he jumped onto its back, he fell right through the insubstantial creature.

  Finn asked, as his butt hit the floor.

  ‘No touchies,’ the beautiful horse ordered before disappearing.

  ‘Wizard powers are so cool!’ Finn enthused, not bothered for a moment that he couldn’t actually ride the horse. ‘I want all the star badges!’

  So on they went, doing all kinds of odd tasks, such as balancing pencils between their mouths and their noses, spinning coins, juggling, making orange slices look like big orange teeth in their mouths and steadying chairs on two legs while they sat in them.

  Finn and Jake were soon both covered in stars, and they could do many amazing things. They could create their own mayonnaise, grow wings from their backs, turn their arms into swords and shoot fireworks from their fingertips. Finn even gave Jake a cool new hairdo and moustache.

  ‘All we’re missing now is the big star!’ Finn announced to his friend. ‘You ready to complete the set, man?’

  ‘Nah,’ Jake answered. ‘I’m good.’

  Finn yelled in horror. ‘How can you stop now?’

  Jake replied casually. ‘I’ve got everything I need: a limitless supply of mayonnaise, this captivating new hairstyle, and I just learned the best spell of all.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Finn wondered.

  ‘Sleep,’ Jake answered.

  Jake shot magic from his fingertips into his eyes and instantly fell asleep – right there on the floor.

  ‘Aw, what a lame-o,’ Finn complained as he listened to his friend’s deep snores. It seemed that Finn would have to complete the last stage of this journey alone.

  ‘Bufo,’ Finn said, approaching the wizard by himself. ‘I’m ready to get that big star.’

  ‘To tell true,’ Bufo cooed,‘the last power is not free.’

  Finn yelled back, his eyes bulging out of his head. ‘You can’t do this to me, man! I’ve got no money.’

  ‘No, no cash,’ Bufo replied. ‘For the final star, you must take the Pledge of Ultimate Responsibility.’

  ‘Okay,’ Finn agreed instantly. ‘I’ll take that pledge.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Bufo cautioned. ‘Perhaps you are not sufficiently familiar with…’

  ‘I’m ready,’ Finn insisted.

  ‘Well,’ Bufo continued, still trying to dampen the young man’s enthusiasm,‘there may be ramifications that you cannot…’

  ‘Just let me take that pledge, man,’ Finn begged.

  ‘My word,’ Bufo answered. ‘I’ve never met someone so irresponsibly responsible. Very well then, you must … grasp my hand.’ ‘That’s it?’ Finn asked, amazed that this last one was going to be so simple. ‘Easy.’

  A pulley grabbed Finn from under his arms and yanked him to the ceiling.

  ‘Huh?’ Finn said, confused as he moved further and further away from the floor. Then he saw it. Right there on his robe – the star!

  Finn yelled out in celebration. At that moment, he realised that he was still being hoisted up towards the ceiling. ‘Wait!’ he cried. ‘Where am I?’

  Finn found himself with three old wizards – all of whom were floating near the ceiling on similar pulleys. They were directing their magic at a sphere in front of them.

  ‘Direct your attention,’ Bufo explained from the ground,‘to the scale-model orb.’

  Finn was confused. He looked at the ball. Inside was a model of the Wizards Temple they were now exploring. An asteroid was zooming towards it!

  ‘Is that asteroid heading for this very temple?’ Finn shrieked.

  ‘Yes,’ Bufo answered sadly. ‘It’s been heading for this temple for 847 years. Only the magic of the Ultimate Wizards keeps it from getting any closer. Quickly! Add your power to that of the orb.’

  Finn agreed, not yet fully understanding what he was supposed to be doing. ‘Okay.’

  Finn directed his magic, but it was too strong. It bounced off the orb and right back at him, causing him to swing away from the sphere.

  Finn yelled out.

  When he stopped swinging, he tried again. ‘Okay. I got it. Now what?’

  ‘Now,’ Bufo explained. ‘I release the elder Jeremy from his pledge. Razzamafoo!’

  ‘It’s about time,’ the old wizard Jeremy grumbled as he was released from the pulley and fell into Bufo’s arms.

  ‘And you,’ Bufo went on to Finn, ‘will take his place for the rest of your natural life.’

  Finn answered.Then, it sunk in.

  ‘This is what you signed up for when you took the Pledge of Ultimate Responsibility,’ Bufo reminded him.

  ‘This is what all the wizard training was about?’ Finn yelled, putting his hands down and stopping the magic. ‘You tricked me!’

  ‘Young wizard!’ one of the older wizards warned. ‘The asteroid approaches!’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ Finn answered, positioning his hands to release the magic that would help them repel the asteroid. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘I tricked you, of course,’ Bufo admitted. ‘But w
ould anyone ever volunteer to do this?’

  With that, Bufo left the room, leaving Finn to hang with the ancient wizards.

  Finn complained. ‘Old people, there has to be a better way!’

  ‘Nope,’ one of the old wizards answered. ‘This is how the ancient ones wanted it.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Finn said. ‘I have a younger idea.’ Finn jumped down from the pulley onto the floor.

  the other old wizard yelled at Finn. ‘Your newfangled thinking will get us all killed.’

  ‘Youth culture forever!’ Finn shouted back. He pumped his fist in the air and ran out of the temple.

  Finn said to himself as he arrived outside the temple and saw the giant fiery asteroid approaching. Also outside was Bufo, who was helping the ancient, but still living, Jeremy into a coffin.

  Bufo screamed when he saw Finn. ‘Have you gone crazy? Get back in the bouncy harness.’

  ‘Sleep!’ Finn commanded as he shot sleep magic through his fingertips at Bufo. The wizard instantly collapsed into a deep sleep.

  Finn commanded as he stood on the edge of the cliff on which the temple stood, watching the asteroid get closer and closer. Finn shook his fist to make the magic happen. Nothing.

  ‘Maybe my footing is off?’ Finn surmised as he readjusted his stance. It worked! He was instantly surrounded by magic. ‘There you go.’

  ‘I cast dragon eyes,’ Finn began.

  Immediately, he had dragon eyes.

  ‘Tiger claw,’ he continued. A tiger claw appeared on his right hand. ‘Vorpal hand.’ A sword appeared in place of his left hand. Finn went on, calling up more and more powers. ‘Blazing feet. Beauteous wings. And, finally, every other power I didn’t mention by name.

  ‘And now,’ the winged Finn began,‘with all my magics combined, I’m powerful enough to move the entire kingdom out of the asteroid’s path.’