The Duke

  CONTENTS

  TITLE PAGE

  CHAPTER 1 Fun and Games

  CHAPTER 2 Lies and Promises

  CHAPTER 3 Inside the Nut House

  CHAPTER 4 The Truth Is Overrated

  CHAPTER 5 Crime and Punishment

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  CRASH! SMASH!

  Finn the Human and Jake the Dog had found a wheelbarrow full of colourful potion bottles and were throwing them against the wall of Princess Bubblegum’s castle. Every time a glass container exploded, a surprise jumped out.

  Yes, when shattered, each vessel released a new creature. This was the most fun they’d had since…well, since yesterday.

  ‘WHOO HOO! YEAH!’ the friends cheered as they jumped up and down in a dance of pure excitement. Jake took charge of choosing which bottle to smash next. He tossed a cool-looking blue bottle to his friend.

  ‘Here, try throwing this one,’ Jake suggested.

  Finn wound up his arm like a baseball pitcher and – POW! – sent that bottle flying into the wall.

  This bottle, like the others, exploded on contact, releasing a blue, vaporous skeleton. The creepy creature roared and growled for a few minutes, providing Finn and Jake with more reasons to cheer. Then the thing evaporated into thin air. Jake turned his attention back to the pile of still-intact containers. The adventurers weren’t even halfway through their stockpile.

  ‘Here’s one called Caturday Surprise,’ Jake announced, reading the words on an orange bottle he held in his hands. ‘What could this one be? Other than a surprise, of course?’

  ‘Just throw it!’ Finn demanded, shaking his fist over his head. Jake hurled the bottle as hard as he could against the wall.

  Technicolour cats exploded out of the shattered glass and then, like the skeleton, they disappeared.

  ‘Caturday Surprise! Now I get it!’ Jake yelled out, proud of his reasoning abilities. Finn doubled over laughing.

  ‘I figured that one out right away,’ he teased his friend.

  ‘Yeah, well, I bet I’ll guess the next one,’ Jake promised.

  The friends stopped playing when they heard Princess Bubblegum screaming from inside the castle. Clearly, there was someone she wanted expelled from her royal space.

  ‘YEAH! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!’ the princess shrieked. ‘Unless you feel like getting a fist cookie, you better keep running!’ The princess definitely sounded peeved.

  ‘What the heck is going on?’ Finn wondered out loud. Just then, the Duke of Nuts – all gussied up in his royal hat and robe – came running out of the castle and fled into the countryside.

  ‘I have no idea,’ Jake shrugged, ‘but it’s probably best to stay out of it.’

  The heroes turned their attention back to the potion bottles. Jake, particularly, was anxious to prove that he could decode the label of the next bottle he chose.

  Finn had already picked a bottle from the remaining stash. This one looked different, and it didn’t have any writing on it.

  ‘Look,’ Finn said as he examined it.‘This one looks stupid. Let’s see how it flies.’

  He grabbed the boomerang-shaped green glass and threw it at the wall and waited for the familiar crash. But the bottle did not behave as he’d expected. In fact, it defied the laws of physics and probably other laws as well. And it put a serious crimp in Finn’s celebration of mindless destruction.

  ‘Oh, lame!’ he complained as the bottle bypassed its target and whizzed back over their heads – and aimed itself straight at a window in the princess’s castle.

  SMASH!

  CRASH!

  ‘UH-OH,’ Finn moaned as he watched the broken shards of glass rain down.

  Princess Bubblegum appeared in the opening where her window used to be. She was not amused.

  ‘DUKE…OF…NUTS!!!’ the enraged royal yelled. The pitch of her voice alone could have shattered glass – had the glass still been there.

  ‘WHAT…HAVE…YOU…DONE?!!!’ she bellowed.

  Finn and Jake followed her line of sight to the Duke of Nuts, who was still running swiftly through the woods.

  ‘OH, NO,’ Finn said to Jake. ‘She thinks that nuts guy did it. We have to clear up what happened.’ Finn, as a hero committed to doing good, knew that truth telling was his only option.

  Jake sighed. He’d have to go along with Finn on this one. The friends ran into the castle, up the stairs, and directly into the princess’s royal chambers.

  When Finn and Jake arrived at the princess’s side, they found Dr. Ice Cream already on the scene, trying to repair the damage.

  ‘Princess! Are you okay?’ Finn asked. But then he gasped. The princess didn’t look right.

  ‘Yeah, I guess,’ she answered sarcastically, ‘if green and bald is okay.’

  Upon closer inspection, Finn and Jake could see that the usually beautiful princess was indeed green and bald. Dr. Ice Cream had stuffed her into a strange rubber suit that made her look somewhat like a large, misshapen beach ball. Finn was horrified, but Jake responded with an unwelcome laughing fit.

  ‘HOO-BOY,’ Jake said to himself, trying desperately to stifle his guffaws. ‘I’m sorry. I can’t stop now,’ he apologised. He tried looking away, but the image of the green, bald, rubber-suited princess was burned into his mind.

  ‘My dear, not to worry,’ Dr. Ice Cream assured the previously pretty young royal. ‘The medicine milk in this suit will have you healed lickety-split. In just five days, you will be back to your beautiful, bubble-gummy self.’

  ‘FIVE DAYS!’ the pouting princess shrieked while pulling at what remained of her hair. ‘The grand meeting of Ooo royalty is tonight!’ she cried. Just then, the princess’s rubber suit sprang a leak, and its healing milk sprayed across the room.

  ‘Hey, Princess,’ Finn said cautiously. ‘There’s something I should tell you about that bottle that hit you in the face.’

  ‘I already know, Finn,’ Princess Bubblegum interrupted. ‘The Duke of Nuts has always been a bad guy. BUT NOW THAT HE’S DONE THIS I’LL NEVER FORGIVE HIM!!! And it’s not just because I hate the Duke. I’D NEVER FORGIVE ANYBODY WHO DID THIS TO ME - I’D HATE THEM…’

  ‘Yeah, but…,’ Finn tried to interrupt.

  ‘FOREVER!!!’ the princess yelled, folding her arms in defiance. Steam seemed to pour out of her ears.

  ‘Forever?’ Finn asked, his voice quivering.

  ‘Finally,’ the princess continued, ‘I have a witness to his misdeeds.’

  ‘Two witnesses,’ Jake corrected her, holding up two fingers on each hand to be sure she understood. Finn glared at his friend. Encouraging the princess to ride this train of thought wasn’t helping.

  ‘Oh, Finn!’ Princess Bubblegum cooed as she grabbed Finn and pulled him against her blubbery suit. ‘My flawless, flawless champion. Bring the Duke of Nuts to justice! The justice of a cold dungeon!’

  The princess began to laugh hysterically as her suit popped and sprang leaks everywhere. Finn and Jake looked on as the already odd princess became a laughing, cackling, insane fountain of milk.

  ‘She’s completely bonkers,’ Jake said, stating the obvious as Finn escaped from the crazy royal’s clutches.

  ‘What do I do?’ Finn asked desperately. ‘If I tell her I threw it, she’ll hate me forever.’

  ‘Don’t worry. That won’t happen,’ Jake assured his friend. ‘We’re going to catch that duke.’

  ‘But we’re the ones who threw the bottle!’ Finn reminded him.

  ‘Dude, look,’ Jake began, grabbing Finn’s face to get him to focus, ‘the Duke of Nuts is bad guys.’

  ‘How do you know that?’ Finn asked.

  ‘Think about it,’ Jake sighed. ‘If Bubblegum hates him so much, then he must have done some rotten stuff. I mean, maybe he even threw a bottle
and turned someone ugly before.’

  ‘All right then,’ Finn said, ignoring the faulty logic.‘Just this once, we’ll be vigilantes.’

  ‘Nah, we’re more like cops,’ Jake corrected him. ‘Crooked cops.’

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  Jake shot some fake bullets out of his finger. Man, this was going to be fun!

  ‘Princess, I won’t rest until the villainous duke is captured!’ Finn announced. The hideous princess grinned sadistically. Finn cringed at the sight of her. ‘And by then, hopefully, you’ll have taken care of the, um, green-face issue.’

  ‘Oh, thank you, Finn!’ the princess laughed wickedly. ‘Thank you!!!’

  ‘LOOK YONDER!’ Finn called out as they spied the Duke of Nuts’ castle in front of them. They’d have to storm the gates – or at least bust through the door.

  ‘Duke of Nuts!’ Finn bellowed as he and Jake ran into the castle. ‘By order of Princess…’

  Before Finn could finish, the only occupant of the large, hollowed-out room turned in her chair to face them. Behind her, an intense fire raged, but the castle was strangely cold and dark.

  ‘Hello, Finn,’ the voice said. The creature seemed oddly calm, almost otherworldly, especially for someone’s whose home had just been invaded. She was one creepy nut.

  ‘Are you here to arrest the duke?’ the strange being murmured.

  ‘Um, how did you know?’ Finn asked.

  ‘The nuts told me,’ the lady answered with a sinister grin as she held a bowl of mixed nuts in her hands. ‘For I am the Duchess of Nuts!’

  ‘I know my husband’s crime against the princess,’ the duchess went on, glaring at Finn.‘A crime that you personally witnessed. And why would you lie? Hmm?’

  The duchess seemed to have suddenly developed a twitch in her eye. Was this another royal on the edge of a breakdown? Maybe she was only a nut by marriage, but she seemed truly nutty to Finn.

  ‘Yeah, why?’ Finn chuckled nervously, the sweat beading up on his forehead.

  Finn was convinced that this nut knew the truth! Nuts always know! She was seeing right through the lies, the deceit, the treachery! There was no hiding from a nut. Woe was he! Panic nearly overwhelmed the young hero.

  ‘Oh, but he was once such a wonderful man,’ the duchess continued sadly. ‘He’d pet dogs, kiss babies. We’d lie together under the cashew bush. He even taught underprivileged nuts how to dance.’ For a moment, she stared wistfully into space.

  ‘But somehow, he’s gone rancid,’ she went on, now speaking like a raving madwoman. ‘And these nuts tell me he must be executed. Would you like to hear what my nuts have to say? Um? Would you? Would you? My nuts know all!’

  ‘Um, that won’t be, um, necessary,’ Finn said as the duchess chased him around the dark room with her bowl of talking nuts.

  What would the nuts say? Finn didn’t want to know. He grabbed Jake and ran for the door. For a moment, it didn’t seem like they would make it – the duchess was a fast nut – but they had to try.

  ‘Listen! Listen!’ the duchess shouted insanely as she pursued them right to the castle doors, still clutching her mixed nuts.

  Finally, with great force, Finn slammed the castle door behind them and trapped the duchess inside.

  They were free! The big nut and her talking mixed nuts were on the other side – locked away in the nut house.

  ‘WHOA!’ Jake huffed, trying hard to catch his breath. Jake was used to dealing with a lot of crazies – royal and otherwise – but this lady was for real.

  ‘I don’t get it, Jake,’ Finn panted. ‘How can the duke be evil if he pets puppies and kisses babies?’

  ‘What? You believe that?’ Jake replied, shaking his head. ‘She’s nuts. Listen, man. Let’s just go back and face the music. Who cares if Princess Bubblegum hates you forever? It’s no biggie. Tons of people hate me.’

  Finn tried mightily to accept the fact that he might be hated forever. He tried to convince himself that life would go on without the princess’s admiration. But he couldn’t. The future, it seemed to him now, was bleak.

  Just then, a strange figure ran past the castle wall. Could it be the Duke of Nuts? The stalkers followed him down a path through the forest. Determined to fulfill their promise to the princess, they took off after the fugitive.

  ‘I’ll break left,’ Finn ordered when they came to a fork in the road. ‘You take the right.’

  After running for what seemed like miles, Finn caught up with a lone character travelling in front of him. Without making a sound, Finn jumped at the sprinter and tackled him to the ground. Only then did he call for Jake’s help. Immediately, his canine companion joined the fray and landed on top of Finn, thus pinning their target to the muddy path.

  ‘I went left, too,’ Jake explained awkwardly. No matter. They had their man. Finn picked up the creature he had tackled and stood him up in front of them both.

  ‘You’re way smaller than I thought you’d be,’ Finn said in amazement.

  ‘Dude,’ Jake explained patiently, ‘that’s not him.’

  ‘No one will harm the Duke of Nuts!’ the little being in Finn’s hands exclaimed. ‘I will kill whoever seeks to arrest him.’

  ‘No, please!’ an approaching voice from the forest begged.‘This has gone far enough.’

  ‘That’s the Duke of Nuts,’ Jake said as the duke walked into the clearing.

  ‘But I vowed to kill whoever did this to you,’ the little nut cried. ‘They can’t take you away, Dad.’

  ‘Who’s the toughest little nut?’ the duke asked his now-sobbing son as he tried to quiet him. ‘That’s you.’ He hugged the crying boy tightly. Then he turned to his captors.

  ‘Can you give us a second?’ the duke asked. Finn nodded glumly and walked away to sit on a log with Jake.

  ‘Man! I don’t know, Jake,’ Finn said desperately. ‘Why does Princess Bubblegum hate him if he’s such a nice guy?’

  ‘Just because he’s a good father doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t a villain,’ Jake insisted. Finn desperately wanted to believe his friend in order to justify his role in the duke’s coming demise. But he was having a hard time not believing what he was seeing.

  ‘He doesn’t look like a villain,’ Finn said, still not convinced that the duke was truly evil. The two friends watched silently as the duke placed his cape over a puddle for a family of ducks to cross.

  ‘I could probably think of a reason why that’s villainous if you gave me enough time,’ Jake assured him. Finn waited. Jake had nothing, but he tried to keep his friend in on the game. ‘Maybe…’

  ‘Maybe we should just confess,’ Finn cried. Then he acknowledged his dilemma and slumped his shoulders in moral defeat. ‘But then Princess Bubblegum will hate us forever.’

  ‘Hey, man, it’s not that bad being hated,’ Jake reminded his distraught friend.

  Time to think of ways to justify their actions ran out. The Duke of Nuts stood in front of them, ready to accept his fate.

  ‘Sorry to make you wait,’ the soft-spoken duke apologised as he handed each of them a string of flowers.‘I made these daisy crowns for you guys as a token of my gratitude for your patience.’ Then he swooned, as if he was going to faint.

  ‘WHOA!’ he said, putting his hand to his forehead. ‘I have to sit down for a second. I know this is an odd question, but you wouldn’t happen to have any pudding on you, would you?’

  ‘Actually, yeah, I think I have one in my pack,’ Finn answered as he dug through his bag.

  ‘Oh, thank goodness,’ the duke said with a weak smile as he gobbled up the snack.

  ‘I think I have a spoon in here, too,’ Finn continued as he searched through his bag. But by the time he found the plastic utensil, the duke had licked the container clean.

  ‘I’m so embarrassed,’ the chocolate-covered duke whined. ‘Now you know my shame. I can’t stop eating pudding.’

  ‘WHAT?’ Finn asked in amazement.

  ‘I don’t tell people,’ the duke ex
plained, ‘because I hate making them worry. But, yes, I have a rare condition: a pudding deficiency. I always end up eating all of the royal pudding supply whenever I go to the castle.’

  ‘So that’s why Princess Bubblegum hates you!’ Finn announced, finally understanding what made this royal a villain. But the duke swore to Finn and Jake that he could never, ever have harmed the princess, and he would never, ever have made her green and bald.

  ‘Of course, you wouldn’t,’ Finn moaned, holding his head in his hands. ‘You’re too nice a guy. I’m the one who threw that bottle. I was going to tell her, but then she started talking all crazy. She said she’d never forgive me. I…I didn’t know…’

  ‘Hey, it’s okay,’ the duke assured Finn. ‘People make mistakes. It’s all part of growing up. And you never really stop growing.’

  The duke’s excessive niceness was making Finn feel even worse.

  ‘Maybe I should just confess to the crime and end all this,’ the duke suggested valiantly.

  ‘WAIT!’ Finn exclaimed. ‘I think I might have an idea that will save everyone’s reputations.’

  Finn shared his brave new plan and the group set out to find the princess.

  Princess Bubblegum’s milk bath was being pulled along the road to the grand meeting of Ooo royalty, driven by Peppermint Butler. Finn stepped in front of the carriage and ordered it to stop.

  ‘FINN!’ the princess yelled in surprise when she saw her protector. ‘Did you find the duke yet?’

  ‘Not yet,’ Finn lied. ‘But you are in grave danger, Princess. There is an assassin in these very woods, dead set on stopping you from reaching the grand meeting. In fact,’ he said, cocking his ear dramatically, ‘what’s that rustling in the bush?’